the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
