I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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