So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
