There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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