i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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