Need sex. Gaining weight.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
