It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
