Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
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She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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