Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
