You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
