i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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