Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
