Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
