Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
