Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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