I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
