what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize