Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
