a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
