Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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