She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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