i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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