Swine flu. Run for my life!
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Acid is not a monday night drug
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
