You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
