I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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