My sheets look like a crime scene.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
