hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Found your dick twin last night
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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