I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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