yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
