Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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