my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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