dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
