Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
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had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
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I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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