dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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