i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
