I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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