hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
