Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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