Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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