guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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