matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
