im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
