areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
