Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i came on her dog
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
