Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
