You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
