He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
