I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
