I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
