I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
