It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
