I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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