dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm like, not good at living.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
