who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
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No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.