I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.