i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
