My friends, they love my intelligence
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Randomize
