so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
