I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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